Totally Naked!
by prairiechicken
Summary: Family GuyTotally Spies crossover. Quagmire and his buddies infiltrate WOOHP to fulfill their fantasies!
1. Chapter 1

**Totally Naked!**

(A Family Guy/Totally Spies crossover)

For any uninformed Family Guy fans, _Totally Spies_ features 3 good-looking teenage girls (Sam, Alex & Clover) who run all over the world battling wacked-out villains, they get their missions from a middle-aged man (Jerry) who regularly abducts them from school or the mall, the parents are never around, plus Clover, in particular, is boy-crazy (not that the other two don't have their fantasies) and on the prowl for a different guy every other week. If this series isn't ripe for sexual satire, I don't know what is! Giggity-giggity! All right!

(kudos to donki-shouben for the gist of the intro (great fic, BTW), I'm too lazy to be original)

Chapter 1 

"What's this? Our expenses list includes a $2,000 swimming pool and $1,500 worth of Jello?" Jerry, the head of the World Organization of Human Protection, had every right to be concerned of these highly unusual expenses. "I'll have to make it crystal clear to everyone at our next staff meeting the importance of a budget! Now I'll have to make some cutbacks for no good reason!"

Jerry stormed out of the office in a rage; almost on cue, four mysterious heads peeked out from hiding.

Peter: "He's gone! Heh, heh, heh, heh!"

Quagmire: "All right, I knew our training would come with free perks!"

Brian: "Let's bring it on!!!"

On cue, Joe drove out the crane carrying the gigantic pool filled with the quivery treats that little kids grow to love, especially little boys! Brian provided the Pawtuckets while the others moved the couch from under the spies' entrance chute to make room for the pool. The makeshift ring was set up and Brian set out to do his Michael Buffer impersonation.

Brian: "This contest is scheduled for one fall, with no time limit! Coming in from this door, accompanied by Quahog's finest, horniest and drunk out of their minds, measuring in at 46-26-32, 120 pounds apiece, uhhhh…where did you say you got those chicks from?

Joe: "Oh, it was their day parole, I just busted them out for this occasion. We just picked the hottest ones we could find."

Quagmire: "Yeah, who's going to remember their names after five minutes?"

A drunken Peter comes walking in wearing a black thong with three bikini-clad prisoners in his arms.

Peter: "Heyyy…look at me everyone! I'm a porn star! I hang around with women half my age because my celebrity status allows me to!"

Brian: "Anyway, let's get to the other half of our main event! Quagmire, you can do the honours!"

Quagmire's finger was only too eager to do so as it was about to press the button to bring down the evening's three opponents!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Clover, Sam and Alex had arrived back home from yet another hard-fought mission, which was just another unpaid day's work. Strange how the three of them never bothered to use their leverage and garner huge multi-millionaire dollar contracts considering how many evil schemes had been foiled thanks in most part to the three of them. But, now was not the time for negotiation. That latest spy mission (which had the three of them being bound and gagged for the 973rd time) had taken a huge bite out of them and it was time for some rest and relaxation in the outdoor spa.

Beverly Hills was experiencing a hotter heat wave than usual in the middle of July. This meant a greater emphasis on the suntan lotion! Given the triple digits on the thermometer, the girls had to apply the Coppertone on each other simultaneously very quick-like so as to counteract the sun's harmful rays in record time. Little did they know that this three-on-three massage was just the start of a mysterious fantasy!

An hour would pass along before the girls decided that the swimming pool would be the ideal place to cool off. However, the temperature wasn't about to sympathize any time soon. Clover, in her infinite wisdom, decided the solution to the heat problem would be to shed everything! They've had experiences the average person could only dream of, a little skinny-dipping would certainly pale in comparison. Soon, three pairs of bikinis were sitting by the edge of the pool while the best of friends were having their own game of volleyball, unaware that they were about to play another game, at the press of a button!

(back at WOOHP headquarters)

Peter: "Yes! Just the way we like our women! Nearby and naked!"

Joe: "Everyone countdown!"

All: "5…4…3…2…1!"

BUZZZZZ!!!!

On cue, the bottom of the pool parted like the Red Sea! Three loud screams emanating from hot chicks in their birthday suits were to be heard all the way from one end of the tunnel to the bottom.

Clover: "Jerry, you fucking pervert! There had better be an explanationnnn!"

Sam: "We're taking WOOHP to the Supreme Court for thisssss!"

Alex: "This waterslide better have a happy landinggg!"

SPLAT!!!

The spies were used to being greeted with the comfiness of a couch at the end of the tunnel. This time, though, it would be the gooiness of cheap dessert that would greet them at the very end. Our heroines swam up to the top of Jello Lake a lot stickier and worse for wear (not in the literal sense, of course). Their emergence would be Brian's cue for their introduction.

Brian: "And, dropping in from the ceiling, likely weighing sexy enough to pose for the cover of 'Creamsicle' magazine, give a "WOOHP, WOOHP" for Sam, Alex, and Clover!"

All: "WOOHP, WOOHP, WOOHP, WOOHP!"

Sam: "Who are you guys, what are you doing, where is Jerry, and why are we covered in this icky Jello?"

Quagmire: "You forgot to add 'when', as in, when is your match with your three equally lovely opponents going to start, which is, RIGHT NOW! Ring the bell!"

Joe rang the bell, and the three parole chicks pounced on the spies like a cat on a fresh mouse. All four men surrounded the Jello pool wearing 'Ref-er-EYE' cams (hats with cameras in them) so as to ensure great action from all possible angles. Classic women's wrestling action such as screeching and pulling hair was aplenty. The referees' math skills were 'conveniently' not up to speed with first-grade standards, as the guys took their sweet time in counting pinfalls and when asking the girls to break holds. Even Peter had trouble remembering what number came after '2'. Camera tricks, particularly the 'Zoom' function, were useful during restholds and other breaks in the action.

After 15 minutes of non-stop action, the office doors slid open and in walked an already ticked-off Jerry! The whites of every pair of eyes in the room could be seen as everyone wondered what would happen next.


	3. Chapter 3

Brian: "Hey, boss! Grab yourself a beer and provide us with some colour commentary!"

Jerry: "Colour commentary? Why, the last time I attended this type of wrestling match…what a minute…this explains all these miscellaneous expenses! I demand to know who's been spending WOOHP money without my consent, and don't anybody lie to me because this organization has the most advanced truth-lie detector gadgets you never knew existed!"

The guys knew it was time to fess up but Quagmire did try to save face. "What's the matter, you're a guy, you know what it's like to be young and have fun?"

Jerry: "I'm not passing judgment on what type of recreation you enjoy, but they are not to be paid for with organizational funds!"

The fire alarm then set off stemming from the flames emitting from Clover's ears.

Clover: "You're not passing judgment? These perverts took advantage of us!"

Sam: "And you're mad at them over money?"

Alex: "And these girls are on parole, they can't be in your office! That's a violation of security!"

Peter: "Heh, heh, heh, heh! Guess we skipped over page 13, paragraph 7!"

Jerry knew in the back of his mind he was going to have to post recruitment ads the next morning.

Jerry: "Look boys, I knew you I was taking a risk by adding you on as recruits, especially you in the thong, UGGHHH!! Put something, ANYTHONG…thing…on! I just figured I could relive my youth having you guys around, but…allowing criminals into my office is grounds for termination and I can't make exceptions. You know what this means."

Joe: "We're erased from history, just like that?"

Jerry: "Standard procedure. This is top secret, by erasing former employee's memories, we won't run the risk of any Benedict Arnolds haunting us now, will we?"

Quagmire: "What about all the effort we put into this work of art?"

Jerry: "I'll have you know that while I do value this organization first and foremost, I'm still a naughty boy! You'll find out what I mean!"

The boys from Quahog underwent company policy by having all recollections of their WOOHP training erased from their memory banks before being privately escorted back home.

A few days later, Quagmire returned home from a long day's work of lurking through the mall's women's change rooms and bathrooms. He disconnected his "shoe-cam" and connected it to his hard-drive to begin production of the next volume of his never-ending "Up-Skirt" series. The first thing to pop up on the screen, though, would not be an unsuspecting woman as seen through the ground up, but rather WOOHP's answer to Girls Gone Wild!

Quagmire: "Screw this airport gig, bootlegging is where the money is at!"

Quagmire made sure to invite the right people over for some real wrestling action that night.

Meanwhile, back at WOOHP:

Jerry (watching a certain videotape): "Now how does he say it? Oh yes! Gig-a-tee, gig-a-tee, All Right!"


End file.
